all hail the liquid of the Gods, save me from pups in puberty

It’s the beginning of a new week and there are so many changes. This is my first week without Christopher in what will be our next year to 2 years of ‘Living Long Distance.”

I was awfully sad most of Saturday as I watched him do his last minute packing. Then I was overjoyed when he said he would stay for just one more night and leave Sunday morning. So we dinnered together and talked and laughed and cuddled and everything was great. But Sunday came all too soon and of course he had to go.

He started his new job this morning and from what I can tell, it is going to keep him mighty busy. He hasn’t had the opportunity to clue me in on what his first impressions of the people are as of yet. However, Christopher is very much unlike me. It takes me a bit of time to get over a bad first impression, whereas he is no where near as judgmental. (We are living proof that opposites do attract).

I made a pact with myself that I would not mope while he was away and that I would try to be as active as possible. Therefore, when I got my 5:37 a.m. wake up call, I did my best to spring out of bed – although if there had been any witnesses, they would call it a slither. I took out the huge load of trash that me, Christopher and our roommate W accumulated on our island in the kitchen over the weekend and I took the pup for a walk.

I am such a good mother, right?

But boy is he frustrating when I haven’t had much sleep and it’s still within the hours of 5 and 6 in the morning. I may have to buy a coffee pot for the house because I think it’s pretty fair to say that I should never have to confront a beagle mix in the early morning hours until I have had at least cup o’ caffeine.

He stops and sniffs and tinkles – no poo. Stops, sniffs and tinkles. This progresses until eventually he is just propping up his leg on everything even though nothing is coming out. BUT STILL no poo – which makes me feel really bad because I know that I’m going to have to crate him up for a good 8 hours with no potty break because I work 45 minutes away from home sweet home. I say he brought it on himself and maybe he’ll learn in the future that mommy doesn’t have an hour and a half to wander around aimlessly in front of our apartment complex in my shorty pajamas just because he is having performance anxiety.

The day was definitely off to a shaky start but thankfully it started looking up after I took my first sip of my overpriced java.

Now, I just have to get passed the fact that it only 2:30, I don’t get out of work until 4, but every time I look at the clock on 3 minutes have passed.

I 'Hatha' do something

I am becoming increasingly more annoyed at work recently and I am really not sure of the cause of these ill-tempered feelings. I do know that I am very much looking forward to the weekend. I want to sleep in, read my book, maybe take a walk around downtown – be touristy.

I want to forget that I have a high stress job; that my fiancé is leaving for Miami on Sunday only to return for monthly visits over the next 2 years; that my bank account never seems to have adequate amounts of moolah just hanging out; that one of my best friends has a grandfather who is dying; that my other best friend lives halfway across the country; that my sperm-donor-daddy won’t stop calling my cell; and finally, that right now my body is covered with about a million mosquito bites.

Sleep. Sleep is good.

On a good / stress-relieving note, I started a hatha-yoga-for-beginners course last night. It lasts four weeks and costs $45, which isn’t too shabby. When I left the studio last night, I really did feel better. I felt like smiling and for once the base of my head / neck area on the left side of my body wasn’t in pain.

The class only meets once a week, but I am going to try and fit in a bit of yoga every day. Since I am just a beginner, I am focusing on the basic Sun Salutation (Soorya Namaskaram). I am trying but flexibility and upper body strength are must haves that I have yet to get.

I am just tired of looking in the mirror and not really liking my body. Hopefully this class will turn things around for me. Yoga is known to not only have positive effects on your physical appearance but also on your soul. And I definitely need my ‘sole’ to be ‘heeled.’ J I crack myself up.

Christopher says it’s good that I can make myself laugh hysterically because it reassures him that I won’t be so lonely without him around to keep my company. It is very true that I have some of my best conversations with myself.

I think I’m going to go ahead and beg off now because this is turning into one really long tangent and I should probably get some work done … or read online.

Wanna get married? How bout Thursday? Ooo I think I have a lunch, I can fit it in after work tho. That doesn't work for me. Maybe next week. Cool.

Lately I have been thinking really hard about what appears to be the recent impermanence of marriage. It seems like today I see nothing but the continuous destruction of relationship after relationship. Marriage, something that was once entered into with the thought of being together 'till death do us part,' has now been turned into Plan A and if that doesn't work out, well then there's always 25 other plans waiting in the wings. This weekend I found out that a friend of mine and Christopher is going through a divorce and it hit both Christopher and I as being completely out of left field - especially since I just commented on this individual earlier in the week with a thought of how loving he is toward his wife and how I think behavior such as that should never go unnoticed or be underappreciated because it's precious.

Recently on NPR, I overheard an audio essay that said having sex without a condom is considered more of a commitment than marriage because it shows trust in your chosen sexual partner. After all, you can get a marriage annulled but an STD is not so easily disposed of. How sad.

I found the following by googling Thoughts on Marriage. I did remove some content because it was a little too praise-be-to-God, but I did like the overall message. If you like it, that's great. If you don't, let me know why. After all, I like to think that I think very highly of marriage and I know that I want to get married in the future - but how will I know when it's right if all of the marriages I am exposed to end wrong?

Thoughts on Marriage
<http://jon.limedaley.com/plog/archives/2007/01/17/thoughts-on-marriage>

A friend of John Kuhns was asked some questions about marriage and what the point of it is. This was his response:

I think you are right that marriage is becoming less and less meaningful these days. People seem to think of marriage as just a very-committed relationship. When you are in a very committed relationship then the next step is to get married. I think this approach misses what marriage is really supposed to be about. Marriage is supposed to be an INSEPARABLE union where two people become one person. This is shown symbolically by taking the same last name and such things.

Marriage is when two people commit to give their lives to each other for the rest of their lives. The love that makes marriage work is not a feeling of love. If it was, then feelings come and go and so would marriage. Marriage love is a DECISION to value the other person as highly as yourself. So if something is wrong with them then you work on fixing it as much as you would if it was yourself.

But people don't think this way. People think you get married just because you are in love (feeling). Then the feeling goes away for a time (because of stress at work or concerns with children or whatever) and people decide they made a mistake and get divorced. Many times they try to work things out but because their view of marriage is based on feelings unless those "in love" feelings come back soon they despair and decide their marriage is hopeless.

I was thinking about love feelings recently and I realized that when you are in love you can be completely selfish and think you are being so loving. See, when you are in love then these feelings make you want to do nice things for the other person. The feelings make beautiful words flow from your mouth. The feelings make you sweet and kind and giving to the other person. But you aren't really doing it for the other person - you are doing it because it makes you feel good!

BUT that is not true love! Love is self-giving. That is, when it does not benefit yourself and only the other person you still do it. Say your loved one is sad. If you have no feelings for them at the moment then you might not feel like sitting down and talking with them about their problems. You might want to watch TV or a movie or do something fun. It's what you do when you don't feel like it that shows what you really are - selfish or self-giving.

So I think people should not marry until they are both willing to commit to never divorcing each other. That is, to never give up on each other. Then the wedding vows like "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" mean something. And if such a view makes you put off marrying - well, I think that's better. It's better for marriage to be honored by all and for lesser commitments to be easily seen as less.

"I need a hurricane before I go insane" - Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett

It’s not even half past 12 but I don’t care, its 5 o’clock somewhere. A nice little diddy but that’s not the kind of hurricane to which I was referring (Although, I do have a half finished bottle of Bacardi Superior Puerto Rican rum in my bottom desk drawer (for emergencies). Actually, that was given to me by B prior to her recent deployment – No Sailor ever feels the need to let good liquor go to waste, I think they can be sent to Captain’s Mast for that.

If you are familiar with my little pie-shaped state, then it’s obvious that all inhabitants of the local area are battening down the hatches in preparation for Hurricane Hanna. I honestly don’t think it’s going to be that bad- just some wind and some rain BUT I am glad that it’s getting me out of working this weekend.

The only issue I foresee this hurricane giving me is delays in getting together content for the next issue of the paper. I already lost time for Monday (Labor Day – which is funny because the entire nation takes off work that day) and now the base will most likely be shut down on Friday. What? Military personnel are expected to dodge bullets but the minute Mother Nature enters the picture, well that’s a bitch we don’t want our men and women to toil with? Like I said, it’s getting me out of work this weekend, so I am happy about that.

Enough of the sarcasm and doom. I have yet to mention my recent vacation so I did want to share a few pictures from mine and Christopher's adventures :

Bright lights, big headache

I am officially back from LA, however my sleep schedule has yet to catch up with me (which really blows). I do want to talk a whole bunch about my trip but I don't really have everything sorted in my mind yet because I'm still incredibly jet-lagged. Let's just say that an incredibly fun time was had but it really made me miss my small city upbringing... whereas it made Christopher yearn for the fast-paced world of the big city. I guess it's a good thing that he'll be moving to Miami by the middle of September.

I came into the office today, to find that once again my publication has been ripped apart by the new Captain because of 'a' typo. Not many typoes, but a single typo. I'm only one person here!!!! Putting together an entire publication ON MY OWN! Give me a break! I pretty much detest him already. According to my B.Hound he is threatening to QC (quality control) my paper. I can pretty much tell you that if that does happen, I'm outta here.

On a happy note: my double truck turned out beautifully and I have gotten nothing but compliments on the layout from the Army supported command here.

A temporary military person has been assigned to my office as of yesterday... for some reason he is assigned to my office through October while he gets his relocation paperwork underway. He seems pretty amiable, easy to talk to, chuckles at my more than hilarious jokes - so, for now I say he can stay.

Seeing as it is my first day back, I should probably get some work done. However, I will leave this short blog with my super funny quote of the day.

"I'm a 3 ... the majority of us are 3's, and, well that's not a bad thing."

said with a far off look in his lazy eye

Well, it sure made me laugh... actually it was a snort, in the front pew of the chapel during an award ceremony / muster, with this certain individual standing mere inches from me. It's cool though - I don't think his lazy eye was able to land on me before I was able to stifle the sound.
(In all actuality he was talking about a new military/civilian rating system but I think the number may apply to his social stance as well.)

25 Yeeeeeears can give you such a crick in the neck ... or ya know, 25 minutes in triangle pose

This is my busy week – production week for the paper. Every other Monday through Wednesday (because I put out a bimonthly publication) is devoted to the layout and design and wrapping up of loose ends. I don’t get very much sleep and even though I should really take some work home with me and be diligent about completing everything prior to deadline – I just go home and look at my comfy couch/papizan/bed/kitchen chair in front of the computer and think of better things that I could be doing to stimulate my own mental health other than staring at the inches and picas on a Quark project (like watching the newly downloaded DVD screener of the Sex and the City Movie till 12:30 a.m.).

So now, with prize winning bags under my eyes, I am sitting at my desk with luke-warm McDonald’s coffee by my side procrastinating once again as I type this thing. But what can I do, I have to remember that just because I am busy at my day job that is no excuse for not keeping up with my extracurriculars.

The fact that I have so much to do is really not being helped by the fact that I have had a killer kink in my neck for 2 days running. True to my blogging, I took a beginners Yoga class at Holy Cow on Sunday and the 2 hour class, while clearing my mind and making me feel relaxed, has left my neck in a very poor state. I actually think I may have pulled a muscle on the left side of my neck/shoulder area because it’s still slightly inflamed.

Now, about the class: I really loved it, which makes my current state of pain and discomfort kinda sad because I have been searching for a new way to approach fitness and I thought Yoga would be the solution. I don’t know, maybe it still can be. I’m thinking that I’ll take it easy for a few more days and then maybe I’ll immerse myself into Yoga once again. And whereas I don’t see myself doing downward-facing-dog anytime soon (because of my neck injury and all – and because that pose is f-ing insane!), I do think that occasionally pausing throughout my stressful days to do a little yoga stretching may be helpful.

Also, I am thinking of getting back into power walking … but that’s another blah-g for another day. For now, I guess I have a paper to put out.

Countdown to LA – the rest of today and tomorrow and then we leave on Thursday. I’m getting really excited! (I’m not excited about cleaning the house and finishing the laundry before we depart – but it must be done).

Why do they call it a writing exercise if it doesn't help you lose weight?

Today while I was at the MOMAU-11 Change of Command, I had the overwhelming urge to drop my camera and just go for a run. I felt like getting all sweaty and really working hard to achieve a fitness goal. Then just as suddenly I felt a hunger pain and realized I was delusional due to lack of food. Also, I hadn’t the opportunity to drink a full cup of coffee and therefore, possibly could have been dreaming.

I really would love to get into better physical shape. Maybe make it back down to a size six. Only by Abercrombie and Hollister standards can I be considered a fatty, but at the same time, I would love to have everything in my closet feel comfortable or be too big (because then I could justifiably shop for new stuff). Other than my Grandmama (who is shrinking with age and therefore, shouldn’t count), I’m probably the smallest female in my family, but I feel that one day genetics is going to look over it’s shoulder and point it’s chubby little finger at me and say – come here little piggy I haven't picked on you yet . I need to start doing something soon.

I simply can’t deprive myself of a particular type of food because the moment I tell myself that I can’t have it, I will drive myself crazy with want for my own personal forbidden fruit (which typically isn’t even a fruit at all, but rich and chocolatey). Plus, I don’t really overeat. More like I coast along each day with minimal movement.

I am still planning on going to the beginner’s yoga class this Sunday and I’m really looking forward to it. However, just because I plan to go to 1 yoga class 1 day of the week doesn’t mean that I can neglect any sort of physicality for the rest of the week. I need to find something else that will hold my interest other than krumping around my living room.

For a while I thought about taking one of those pole dancing classes that is all the rage with suburb soccer moms / closet hooker freaks but they want to charge me like $75 per class, or like $600 for a 2 or 3 month membership. That’s ridiculous unless I’m getting college credit.

Christopher and I used to run together but I always felt like I was holding him back because, well let’s face it, my run is more like a slightly faster walk with more bounce added in. Plus, we always had to wait for him to get home from work at 11 at night because then it would finally be cool enough to exercise outdoors.

I’ll figure something out. A solution that doesn’t break the bank would be preferable. Maybe I’ll really like yoga and decide it’s my new passion and that I feel like doing deep breathing and outrageous stretching everyday from Sunday on. We’ll see.

There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
- Dorothy Parker

B.O.H.I.C. days

I’d like to start this by saying that my boss in the Reserve is a real pr*ck. He loves to hear himself talk, however, he talks at a really low decibel so you have to hone in on his face with every ounce of concentration in your body just to understand what he says using a combination of the senses. He constantly tells vulgar jokes and calls me high maintenance (just because I expect to have an actual desk each time I come into the office to fulfill my duties as a weekend warrior), and he constantly wants to hold our office lunches at Hooters (which BTW is really inappropriate while in uniform).

Today, I took a slight break from my civilian job to head on over to the AFB to sign my military passport paperwork which apparently the dear captain has known that I needed to sign for months now but has casually forgotten to mention it. I’m missing out on a weekend in Barbados because of this and what do I get to replace it with – a whispered half-ass apology. “I’ve been so busy recently that I kind of dropped the ball and that’s on me.” No where in there was there an actual ‘I’m sorry I’m a total D-bag,’ which is really what I was looking for.

Hopefully, by next month I will have my passport and then I will officially be allowed to get in some travel on my military resume, which is one of the main reasons why I joined the Reserve. I have been let down so much by captain d-bag because when I joined I was promised certain things that 2years in have yet to happen. I'm seriously considering relocating to another base simply because the one I'm currently stationed in is such a boys club. However, I would really miss all the other guys that I work with here because they are really awesome. I'm hoping things will improve once my passport finally comes through.

In other news, I did some more perusing of the internets this morning when I first got to work because my boss (on the civilian side – forever to be called B. Hound from this moment forward) had his new BMW break down on the way into work. B. Hound’s BMW is his baby and therefore he was out of the office for most of the morning finding out the diagnosis and necessary treatment, which left me with 2 whole hours of freedom to get absolutely no work done. LOVED IT! I went to Anthropologie online and found quite a few things to add to my ever-building Google wish list.

And finally, I have grown increasingly more upset at my sperm donor of a father with each passing day. He has never been a big part of my life and until 6 months ago we had gone the past 10 yrs with zero communication. I didn’t even know if he was still alive, which is ironic because we got reconnected through a death in the family – his little brother / my uncle. So now the man calls at least once a week, and I oblige him by even picking up the phone (which is more than my older brother does – and I really don’t blame him). He calls, talks more than I do ( because I can’t get a word in edgewise), and then he leaves the conversation with nothing gained on my end besides a headache from trying to sift through the heaping load of bull that escapes him. (I think I got my ADD from Epi).

Recently, Epi called to ask a favor of me but he did is without really asking. He just dials on up and says “This is what I need you to do for me.” (Greeeeat! Because that’s why I was really put on this Earth, to serve a deadbeat) He was having some complications paying his child support to my former stepmother and wanted me to be the middleman between him and the Lexington County DSS office. (He lives in Colorado and was therefore constantly playing phone tag with the people in charge of his case) He then wanted me to represent him in a court hearing with my former stepmother and current half-siblings giving me an evil eye from the other side of the room (I don’t think so).

Now, I think of myself as being a generally nice and appeasing person. I want what’s best for the universe and all and I was aware that it is unfair to ask a man that only makes $11/hr to continue to pay child support for children that have already graduated high school. So I made the phone call for him to set everything into motion. However, I gave the big NO to appearing in court. I don’t think it was wrong of me to decline but I do think it was wrong of him to assume that I would want to represent a man in court who has never been there for me as a parent in a child support hearing.

For the most part, I had gotten past that situation and chalked it up to the stupidity and insensitivity of men. But then, along came and went my 24th birthday without any word from Epi. Nothing. A week passed. Then today came the call but there were no birthday wishes. Nope… he needed me to make another phone call. From that point forward, I considered myself done. I didn’t mention his mistake to him because that would elude to the fact that I had been expecting something from him and I told myself (and the rest of my family) that I wouldn’t expect anything from him from the moment we began speaking 6 months ago. I just became short with him and told him that I needed to get off the phone.

He texted me the DSS lady’s phone number and the case number, no please, no thank you. No worries. Because I’m not doing it this time. AND I’m not picking up his calls anymore. I’m done.

That’s been my day and it’s not even Close of Business.

Leaving work early today though. Lots on my plate for tomorrow – I’m on the books to photograph a change of command, then I have to shoot a family day, and finally, I have to work a fundraiser into my schedule somewhere near the end of the day.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgement.”
-Dorothy Parker

All you need is love, and bath towels

The negotiations have come to a halt and it has been decided that my relationship will endure until the next major crisis, which hopefully we will be able to keep at bay for at least another year. I cannot handle another set of tumultuous months like the two I just went through. This whole situation actually tore me apart physically and mentally and I’m still in the midst of rebuilding my foundation. I know from the outside that my relationship doesn’t seem like the healthiest thing in the world, but there really are more good times than bad. It just so happens that the bad times, when they do come along, love longevity.

It is a good thing that Christopher and I were able to reconcile because in a week we will be leaving for a week-long vacay to Los Angeles. This trip has been planned and paid for months ago, when things were wonderful and we foresaw no signs of impending doom regarding our relationship.

I’m looking forward to the trip because it will give us a chance to spend time together without the rigors of day-to-day life bringing us down. Plus, we get to see Mike Einzinger’s opus End Vacuum. We won tickets and even get to go backstage and meet all the members of Incubus.

I became an Incubus fan when I met Christopher. They were and still are his favorite band. He has tons of memorabilia from their concerts, Brandon Boyd’s books, signed posters, every album ever pressed – including the live ones, and most the odd item – a genuine basketball jersey from Callabasas High which is where all the original members of the band went to school (I think). Obviously, I’m not quite as obsessed or I would know that. However, it is still really exciting; plus, I’ve never been to L.A.

Sadly, that is still a week away and in the meantime I’m supposed to be working. However, I can’t really muster any form of motivation and therefore, have spent the majority of my day basking in my own laziness: reading, surfing the net, joking around with my boss, etc. However, there are several things that I need to finish by close of business today – such as track down a d-bag who won’t show me the common courtesy of returning my phone calls requesting an interview. Other than that, on my list of things to do today – other than finish the hoards of articles that are starting to build up – buy new bath towels, ours are starting to always have a slightly mildewed smell, even after washing.

I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
- Dorothy Parker

Cleaning house

I’d like to think of myself as being extremely self-aware. I guess some people might call that conceited, but I don’t think that’s the correct term because I don’t feel an overwhelming urge to check myself out anytime I pass a reflective surface. It’s more like, I’m very aware of what is going on with my body, my mind, people that are around me at any given moment. I’m very much an observer of people and situations. I guess that means that I would probably make a really great sociologist but I can’t really muster enough interest in all the theories and so-called specialists involved in the pseudo-social-science field.

A few months ago, I enrolled in an online university called Ashford because they had the best price – Free (for military). Can’t really turn that down, ya know? Well, I have always considered myself to be a communication / visual arts / theater major kind of person. Ashford doesn’t really offer any of those options in an online capacity, so I settled for a degree geared toward the social sciences with a concentration in communication. However, every class I have endured thus far is only serving to turn me off of getting my degree. Maybe I’m just not meant to be an online student. I sent in my letter of resignation from all further classes yesterday afternoon. No harm, no foul. I just need to find something that is more me.

This Sunday I am planning on starting a ‘Yoga for beginners’ class at a local studio. I’m hoping that it will help me get into not only a better state of mind, but also better physical condition. My recent bout of depression has wreaked havoc on my body, mind and soul and I figured now is as good a time as any to clean house.


I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.
-Dorothy Parker

The Right-now-beginning

I have no desire to write endless paragraphs filled with background information, therefore, I'm just going to say that 'the beginning' is from this moment right now.

Right now, I'm 2 days into being 24 years old. I live in the same city where I grew up. I talk to my family at least once a day. I may be approaching the end of a 4 year relationship (negotiations are ongoing) . I dream big but operate small. I want so much but currently have the energy for so little. When asked, I'd say I'm depressed. I just don't like who I am or where I'm at in this 'right-now-beginning.'

I thought I might start this blog to chronicle the change that I hope will come to my life. Or maybe to further chronicle my imminent downward spiral unless I find that magical Band-Aid called change that I am in such desperate need of.

I promise to tell the truth and never to sugarcoat. Afterall, there's little point in lyiing to one's self.

Coda by Dorothy Parker
There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
and rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle-
Could you kindly direct me to hell?