Bright lights, big headache

I am officially back from LA, however my sleep schedule has yet to catch up with me (which really blows). I do want to talk a whole bunch about my trip but I don't really have everything sorted in my mind yet because I'm still incredibly jet-lagged. Let's just say that an incredibly fun time was had but it really made me miss my small city upbringing... whereas it made Christopher yearn for the fast-paced world of the big city. I guess it's a good thing that he'll be moving to Miami by the middle of September.

I came into the office today, to find that once again my publication has been ripped apart by the new Captain because of 'a' typo. Not many typoes, but a single typo. I'm only one person here!!!! Putting together an entire publication ON MY OWN! Give me a break! I pretty much detest him already. According to my B.Hound he is threatening to QC (quality control) my paper. I can pretty much tell you that if that does happen, I'm outta here.

On a happy note: my double truck turned out beautifully and I have gotten nothing but compliments on the layout from the Army supported command here.

A temporary military person has been assigned to my office as of yesterday... for some reason he is assigned to my office through October while he gets his relocation paperwork underway. He seems pretty amiable, easy to talk to, chuckles at my more than hilarious jokes - so, for now I say he can stay.

Seeing as it is my first day back, I should probably get some work done. However, I will leave this short blog with my super funny quote of the day.

"I'm a 3 ... the majority of us are 3's, and, well that's not a bad thing."

said with a far off look in his lazy eye

Well, it sure made me laugh... actually it was a snort, in the front pew of the chapel during an award ceremony / muster, with this certain individual standing mere inches from me. It's cool though - I don't think his lazy eye was able to land on me before I was able to stifle the sound.
(In all actuality he was talking about a new military/civilian rating system but I think the number may apply to his social stance as well.)

25 Yeeeeeears can give you such a crick in the neck ... or ya know, 25 minutes in triangle pose

This is my busy week – production week for the paper. Every other Monday through Wednesday (because I put out a bimonthly publication) is devoted to the layout and design and wrapping up of loose ends. I don’t get very much sleep and even though I should really take some work home with me and be diligent about completing everything prior to deadline – I just go home and look at my comfy couch/papizan/bed/kitchen chair in front of the computer and think of better things that I could be doing to stimulate my own mental health other than staring at the inches and picas on a Quark project (like watching the newly downloaded DVD screener of the Sex and the City Movie till 12:30 a.m.).

So now, with prize winning bags under my eyes, I am sitting at my desk with luke-warm McDonald’s coffee by my side procrastinating once again as I type this thing. But what can I do, I have to remember that just because I am busy at my day job that is no excuse for not keeping up with my extracurriculars.

The fact that I have so much to do is really not being helped by the fact that I have had a killer kink in my neck for 2 days running. True to my blogging, I took a beginners Yoga class at Holy Cow on Sunday and the 2 hour class, while clearing my mind and making me feel relaxed, has left my neck in a very poor state. I actually think I may have pulled a muscle on the left side of my neck/shoulder area because it’s still slightly inflamed.

Now, about the class: I really loved it, which makes my current state of pain and discomfort kinda sad because I have been searching for a new way to approach fitness and I thought Yoga would be the solution. I don’t know, maybe it still can be. I’m thinking that I’ll take it easy for a few more days and then maybe I’ll immerse myself into Yoga once again. And whereas I don’t see myself doing downward-facing-dog anytime soon (because of my neck injury and all – and because that pose is f-ing insane!), I do think that occasionally pausing throughout my stressful days to do a little yoga stretching may be helpful.

Also, I am thinking of getting back into power walking … but that’s another blah-g for another day. For now, I guess I have a paper to put out.

Countdown to LA – the rest of today and tomorrow and then we leave on Thursday. I’m getting really excited! (I’m not excited about cleaning the house and finishing the laundry before we depart – but it must be done).

Why do they call it a writing exercise if it doesn't help you lose weight?

Today while I was at the MOMAU-11 Change of Command, I had the overwhelming urge to drop my camera and just go for a run. I felt like getting all sweaty and really working hard to achieve a fitness goal. Then just as suddenly I felt a hunger pain and realized I was delusional due to lack of food. Also, I hadn’t the opportunity to drink a full cup of coffee and therefore, possibly could have been dreaming.

I really would love to get into better physical shape. Maybe make it back down to a size six. Only by Abercrombie and Hollister standards can I be considered a fatty, but at the same time, I would love to have everything in my closet feel comfortable or be too big (because then I could justifiably shop for new stuff). Other than my Grandmama (who is shrinking with age and therefore, shouldn’t count), I’m probably the smallest female in my family, but I feel that one day genetics is going to look over it’s shoulder and point it’s chubby little finger at me and say – come here little piggy I haven't picked on you yet . I need to start doing something soon.

I simply can’t deprive myself of a particular type of food because the moment I tell myself that I can’t have it, I will drive myself crazy with want for my own personal forbidden fruit (which typically isn’t even a fruit at all, but rich and chocolatey). Plus, I don’t really overeat. More like I coast along each day with minimal movement.

I am still planning on going to the beginner’s yoga class this Sunday and I’m really looking forward to it. However, just because I plan to go to 1 yoga class 1 day of the week doesn’t mean that I can neglect any sort of physicality for the rest of the week. I need to find something else that will hold my interest other than krumping around my living room.

For a while I thought about taking one of those pole dancing classes that is all the rage with suburb soccer moms / closet hooker freaks but they want to charge me like $75 per class, or like $600 for a 2 or 3 month membership. That’s ridiculous unless I’m getting college credit.

Christopher and I used to run together but I always felt like I was holding him back because, well let’s face it, my run is more like a slightly faster walk with more bounce added in. Plus, we always had to wait for him to get home from work at 11 at night because then it would finally be cool enough to exercise outdoors.

I’ll figure something out. A solution that doesn’t break the bank would be preferable. Maybe I’ll really like yoga and decide it’s my new passion and that I feel like doing deep breathing and outrageous stretching everyday from Sunday on. We’ll see.

There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
- Dorothy Parker

B.O.H.I.C. days

I’d like to start this by saying that my boss in the Reserve is a real pr*ck. He loves to hear himself talk, however, he talks at a really low decibel so you have to hone in on his face with every ounce of concentration in your body just to understand what he says using a combination of the senses. He constantly tells vulgar jokes and calls me high maintenance (just because I expect to have an actual desk each time I come into the office to fulfill my duties as a weekend warrior), and he constantly wants to hold our office lunches at Hooters (which BTW is really inappropriate while in uniform).

Today, I took a slight break from my civilian job to head on over to the AFB to sign my military passport paperwork which apparently the dear captain has known that I needed to sign for months now but has casually forgotten to mention it. I’m missing out on a weekend in Barbados because of this and what do I get to replace it with – a whispered half-ass apology. “I’ve been so busy recently that I kind of dropped the ball and that’s on me.” No where in there was there an actual ‘I’m sorry I’m a total D-bag,’ which is really what I was looking for.

Hopefully, by next month I will have my passport and then I will officially be allowed to get in some travel on my military resume, which is one of the main reasons why I joined the Reserve. I have been let down so much by captain d-bag because when I joined I was promised certain things that 2years in have yet to happen. I'm seriously considering relocating to another base simply because the one I'm currently stationed in is such a boys club. However, I would really miss all the other guys that I work with here because they are really awesome. I'm hoping things will improve once my passport finally comes through.

In other news, I did some more perusing of the internets this morning when I first got to work because my boss (on the civilian side – forever to be called B. Hound from this moment forward) had his new BMW break down on the way into work. B. Hound’s BMW is his baby and therefore he was out of the office for most of the morning finding out the diagnosis and necessary treatment, which left me with 2 whole hours of freedom to get absolutely no work done. LOVED IT! I went to Anthropologie online and found quite a few things to add to my ever-building Google wish list.

And finally, I have grown increasingly more upset at my sperm donor of a father with each passing day. He has never been a big part of my life and until 6 months ago we had gone the past 10 yrs with zero communication. I didn’t even know if he was still alive, which is ironic because we got reconnected through a death in the family – his little brother / my uncle. So now the man calls at least once a week, and I oblige him by even picking up the phone (which is more than my older brother does – and I really don’t blame him). He calls, talks more than I do ( because I can’t get a word in edgewise), and then he leaves the conversation with nothing gained on my end besides a headache from trying to sift through the heaping load of bull that escapes him. (I think I got my ADD from Epi).

Recently, Epi called to ask a favor of me but he did is without really asking. He just dials on up and says “This is what I need you to do for me.” (Greeeeat! Because that’s why I was really put on this Earth, to serve a deadbeat) He was having some complications paying his child support to my former stepmother and wanted me to be the middleman between him and the Lexington County DSS office. (He lives in Colorado and was therefore constantly playing phone tag with the people in charge of his case) He then wanted me to represent him in a court hearing with my former stepmother and current half-siblings giving me an evil eye from the other side of the room (I don’t think so).

Now, I think of myself as being a generally nice and appeasing person. I want what’s best for the universe and all and I was aware that it is unfair to ask a man that only makes $11/hr to continue to pay child support for children that have already graduated high school. So I made the phone call for him to set everything into motion. However, I gave the big NO to appearing in court. I don’t think it was wrong of me to decline but I do think it was wrong of him to assume that I would want to represent a man in court who has never been there for me as a parent in a child support hearing.

For the most part, I had gotten past that situation and chalked it up to the stupidity and insensitivity of men. But then, along came and went my 24th birthday without any word from Epi. Nothing. A week passed. Then today came the call but there were no birthday wishes. Nope… he needed me to make another phone call. From that point forward, I considered myself done. I didn’t mention his mistake to him because that would elude to the fact that I had been expecting something from him and I told myself (and the rest of my family) that I wouldn’t expect anything from him from the moment we began speaking 6 months ago. I just became short with him and told him that I needed to get off the phone.

He texted me the DSS lady’s phone number and the case number, no please, no thank you. No worries. Because I’m not doing it this time. AND I’m not picking up his calls anymore. I’m done.

That’s been my day and it’s not even Close of Business.

Leaving work early today though. Lots on my plate for tomorrow – I’m on the books to photograph a change of command, then I have to shoot a family day, and finally, I have to work a fundraiser into my schedule somewhere near the end of the day.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgement.”
-Dorothy Parker

All you need is love, and bath towels

The negotiations have come to a halt and it has been decided that my relationship will endure until the next major crisis, which hopefully we will be able to keep at bay for at least another year. I cannot handle another set of tumultuous months like the two I just went through. This whole situation actually tore me apart physically and mentally and I’m still in the midst of rebuilding my foundation. I know from the outside that my relationship doesn’t seem like the healthiest thing in the world, but there really are more good times than bad. It just so happens that the bad times, when they do come along, love longevity.

It is a good thing that Christopher and I were able to reconcile because in a week we will be leaving for a week-long vacay to Los Angeles. This trip has been planned and paid for months ago, when things were wonderful and we foresaw no signs of impending doom regarding our relationship.

I’m looking forward to the trip because it will give us a chance to spend time together without the rigors of day-to-day life bringing us down. Plus, we get to see Mike Einzinger’s opus End Vacuum. We won tickets and even get to go backstage and meet all the members of Incubus.

I became an Incubus fan when I met Christopher. They were and still are his favorite band. He has tons of memorabilia from their concerts, Brandon Boyd’s books, signed posters, every album ever pressed – including the live ones, and most the odd item – a genuine basketball jersey from Callabasas High which is where all the original members of the band went to school (I think). Obviously, I’m not quite as obsessed or I would know that. However, it is still really exciting; plus, I’ve never been to L.A.

Sadly, that is still a week away and in the meantime I’m supposed to be working. However, I can’t really muster any form of motivation and therefore, have spent the majority of my day basking in my own laziness: reading, surfing the net, joking around with my boss, etc. However, there are several things that I need to finish by close of business today – such as track down a d-bag who won’t show me the common courtesy of returning my phone calls requesting an interview. Other than that, on my list of things to do today – other than finish the hoards of articles that are starting to build up – buy new bath towels, ours are starting to always have a slightly mildewed smell, even after washing.

I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
- Dorothy Parker

Cleaning house

I’d like to think of myself as being extremely self-aware. I guess some people might call that conceited, but I don’t think that’s the correct term because I don’t feel an overwhelming urge to check myself out anytime I pass a reflective surface. It’s more like, I’m very aware of what is going on with my body, my mind, people that are around me at any given moment. I’m very much an observer of people and situations. I guess that means that I would probably make a really great sociologist but I can’t really muster enough interest in all the theories and so-called specialists involved in the pseudo-social-science field.

A few months ago, I enrolled in an online university called Ashford because they had the best price – Free (for military). Can’t really turn that down, ya know? Well, I have always considered myself to be a communication / visual arts / theater major kind of person. Ashford doesn’t really offer any of those options in an online capacity, so I settled for a degree geared toward the social sciences with a concentration in communication. However, every class I have endured thus far is only serving to turn me off of getting my degree. Maybe I’m just not meant to be an online student. I sent in my letter of resignation from all further classes yesterday afternoon. No harm, no foul. I just need to find something that is more me.

This Sunday I am planning on starting a ‘Yoga for beginners’ class at a local studio. I’m hoping that it will help me get into not only a better state of mind, but also better physical condition. My recent bout of depression has wreaked havoc on my body, mind and soul and I figured now is as good a time as any to clean house.


I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.
-Dorothy Parker

The Right-now-beginning

I have no desire to write endless paragraphs filled with background information, therefore, I'm just going to say that 'the beginning' is from this moment right now.

Right now, I'm 2 days into being 24 years old. I live in the same city where I grew up. I talk to my family at least once a day. I may be approaching the end of a 4 year relationship (negotiations are ongoing) . I dream big but operate small. I want so much but currently have the energy for so little. When asked, I'd say I'm depressed. I just don't like who I am or where I'm at in this 'right-now-beginning.'

I thought I might start this blog to chronicle the change that I hope will come to my life. Or maybe to further chronicle my imminent downward spiral unless I find that magical Band-Aid called change that I am in such desperate need of.

I promise to tell the truth and never to sugarcoat. Afterall, there's little point in lyiing to one's self.

Coda by Dorothy Parker
There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
and rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle-
Could you kindly direct me to hell?